December 18, 2014
i remember the first night i stayed up past
midnight. i was on msn instant messaging a boy
with light brown hair and had a wardrobe of only
abercrombie t shirts
he ended up liking my best friend.
my 6th grade heart got a little smaller the day
i saw them hugging at that basketball game and i
remember thinking "well maybe i'm not very
pretty."
i also remember questioning if my best friend
was really my best friend.
it turned out she wasn't.
she's on the cheer team now if you're wondering
and when she passes me in the hallway she
doesn't even see me.
i remember the gap between my two front teeth
and i remember how i loved it.
i loved it until she told me it was ugly. and
that "boys aren't going to like you with teeth
like that."
the next morning i begged my mom for braces.
ther'es no gap between my teeth anymore but
my tongue still tries to find the space that's
no longer there.
i think I'll miss that gap for the rest of my
life.
the teeth that were innocent
the teeth that didn't let any swear words escape
from them.
i remember when my mom threw my dad's shoe at
him.
it barely missed his head.
she told me she didn't mean to almost hit his
head
but my 8 year old eyes were smarter than that.
i remember her throwing all of his clothes in
the driveway and she screamed at him to never
come back.
he picked up most of the items and got into his
white truck.
he forgot to pick up his old green bay packers
sweatshirt though so i ran out onto the icy
driveway barefoot and picked it up because i
didn't want the neighbors to see it there.
i slept in it that night.
i cried myself to sleep ad sucked the sleeves
of that sweatshirt because that's what i do when
i'm nervous.
i didn't think my daddy would be coming back
again
he did.
although some days i wish he wouldn't have
because they still fight weekly
and the words that they scream at each other
have slowly made me deaf
and they make me not believe in love.
i remember my second grade teacher.
the one who told me i should become a teacher.
i remember the day i was crying because i hated
so badly that i was so shy.
my grandma looked at me and said "being shy is
beautiful, you don't need to be the center of
attention, you know how to listen. and you may
not realize it now, but listening will always be
more important than talking."
i remember the day my dad told me butterfly
kisses will always be our song.
i remember the day my brother stopped breathing.
i remember how my voice shook when i called 911.
and i remember that day i realized just how
important life really is.
i remember the first time you kissed me. i ran
to my room and i lied on the floor feeling my
stomach because i didn't know that so many
butterflies could appear in there at one moment.
i remember the last time you really kissed me.
like you knew it would be the last time.
i wish i would have known it was going to be the
last time my lips would be pressed against
yours.
because i would have kept you in that room for
hours.
i remember sitting in my closet wishing i was
dead
i never attempted anything
but i remember thinking how much i wished i was
in heaven
i remember getting a text from a girl i barely
even knew
saying how amazing i was
and how after i read that text i knew angels
were watching over me
i think about all the angels up there all the
time and i know they are watching me
and watching us.
some days i doubt god
but then i think of the angels
and how i have never doubted the angels
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