I'm scared of the possibilities and of the unknown

Charlotte Rose
October 26, 2014

Fear controls me.
Making me who I am
And who I'm not.
But I can't hate that even though I don't like writing it. Because it's one
of the elements that has made up the parts of me that I am.

I'm afraid of being alone. Of losing my best friend.
I'm afraid of having kids Also not having kids.
I'm afraid of someone saying "I love you. I'm just not
in love with you anymore."

I'm afraid of small talk because I'd rather just skip to the part where
you tell me your life is not easy and neither is mine and sure the
weather is important sort of but your feelings are of more worth to
me. I'm afraid of them not liking me, because I'm too hard on myself to
be great 25/8 and I don't want to disappoint you. Because I'm also
afraid of what that face looks like. I'm afraid of confrontation
and fighting. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid of making decisions and change. Because with both of those
things I have only a 50% chance of something good going right. And all
my life they've taught me 50/100 was failing.

It sounds silly and so many can't understand. But...
I'm afraid of not making enough memories. Of not "living life" enough or
fully because they just keep telling me life goes by so fast, and one day
you'll wake up and you've lived your whole life. And that scares me, I
don't want to look back and realize I lived the same year 75 times.

And contrary to what i previously just said, in that life. I'm afraid of
the start of things and I'm afraid of the end of things.
(I know please don't laugh, I'm very much indeed a difficult case)
Afraid of graduating because that's the end of something. And afraid of
college/life after high school because that's the start of something.

   BECAUSE:   hellos take courage and so do goodbyes.

And honey please do not tell me fear is just a feeling and I can get over it. Indeed I
should accept the fact that there is both beautiful and terrible things in this world.
but I'm fearful of the light and the dark. Because I can't get myself to trust the
unknown.

So maybe I'm lacking everything in bravery. But i checked my report card in the
subject of "FEAR"
I have an A.





I hope to have an A in bravery too....


someday.