April 6, 2014
When I was little I thought everyone lived to be 100. Then after that, who knows.
I didn't care.
I was alive and well.
Or at least I thought.
I thought I was invincible and nothing could break me.
Until I was broken.
Until I broke some bones, ripped my skin beyond natural repair and got diagnosed with things I didn't know existed.
I didn't know you could die in car crashes, and sink in a boat, or get trapped in an elevator. Life to me was as simple as 1, 2, 3. But that's because I didn't know about 4, 5, & 6 yet.
I used to know you. We were as young as they come, yet we knew it all. Simple minded beings were all we were, yet it worked. We played on the frosted December grass because it was fun to play outside. We didn't want to wash our hands because we didn't know what germs were. We didn't look both ways before crossing the street, because we didn't know that cars sometimes didn't stop.
But cars sometimes don't stop, Amanda.
Cars sometimes don't stop.
One of the first things you learn is "Look both ways before crossing the street." But I guess she never caught on. I mean it was hard to teach a girl that never listened. It's not even she couldn't listen, she didn't understand.
That's why it was safer to play in the house, cars can't get you there. People can't kidnap you there. Trees can't fall on you there.
But you liked to take risks.
You were my first best friend, because you were all that I knew. I'd wake up and you'd always be there soon enough. We would play tag and you'd always seem to win. We would play Barbie's and you never seemed to catch on that you were supposed to be Ken. You just liked to chew on their feet, or play with their hair.
I'd get mad. "Get that out of your mouth, are you stupid!!?" Then I'd hit you and you'd run away. I was too young to understand life doesn't work in ways you want it to. I didn't know you wouldn't be there till I was 100 playing Twister or scootering next to me.
But you tried to get back at me. You'd make up for it by scratching me, or screaming so my mom would come running in the room for your rescue.
You bitch.
I still cringe to this day at always getting in trouble because of you.
They said you were too young to be outside. But I didn't listen. I locked you out of the house when no one was looking. But I watched you just to make sure you stayed in the yard and didn't get hurt.
Couldn't you tell I cared about you?
You wandered farther and farther till you got to the front yard fence, and stopped. I opened the door to let you in because I assumed you had enough.
But then I stopped.
I stopped. Why did I stop, Amanda?
I should've gotten when I did because I knew you. I knew by the way your back was arched and the twinkle in your eye what your next move is.
But I couldn't seem to stop watching you on the other side of my sliding glass door.
It was almost as you looked back at me to give me one last goodbye before you climbed that fence. I didn't know how you did it. You practically jumped over without touching it.
You made it on the other side, and that's when I decided you had moved on. I thought maybe you'd just gone to the neighbors to play with girls your size and same views on life.
I kind of forgot about you for an hour or two. It was weird, because we all did. I remembered you when I looked at my Barbie feet. That's when I was forced to walk in to the biggest mess of my 5 year old life.
The sky was cloudy and the ground was wet, but the sky was finished crying. It told me you were there and it already moved on.
A leaf stuck to my foot just as I stuck to you. I kicked it off and watched it gently fall to the cement as if it were telling me to go back in the house.
The trees rustled telling me not to go over that fence. But I argued with them telling them I'd be okay. Little did I know they weren't concerned for my safety.
As I hopped that fence I saw Amanda. You were so beautiful in the street. Almost as if you were a painting in a museum.
But you were so still. Why didn't you get up?
"Amanda come here!" Nothing.
"Come here Amanda, I'm sorry!" Nothing.
I ran to get her, but she didn't move. She was as still as summer nights. She was so beautiful, with almost a smile on her baby face.
My mom came out and took me back inside.
I didn't cry.
I just asked where she went.
"Heaven."
Then I knew you didn't live forever.
You only lost one life, but Amanda, where did your other eight lives go?
Where did they go?
People lied.
Your kind is supposed to last at least fifteen years. You didn't last one.
You were my best friend, but come to find out
Heaven couldn't wait for you.
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